My Credentials

Imposter syndrome exists in the Church as well. I have always battled imposter syndrome in the world. I don't feel worthy professionally. I always need more time to develop. I never quite fit to the mold I'm presented. I am a dreamer. I am never satisfied. I am always waiting to be cut loose because I am not worthy.

I have the same approach to the church. Here I am called to write and speak about the Catholic Church and every day I battle with imposter syndrome. I am not good enough. I am not smart enough. I don't have a degree in Theology. I am not an apologist. I stop writing. I wait a few days in silence beating myself up, and then I step back up again and follow the calling that God has placed in my heart. That's all I need to do. I wish it were that simple.

Truth Seeker

I am a history buff. I fell in love with the storytelling in Rob Bennet's book, "The Four Witnesses" in which he describes himself not as a scholar or apologist, but just a guy that loves history. That's me. I have always loved history. When I was a kid my parents would dress up like Civil War soldiers and I would accompany them to battle re-enactments, where I would play the drum and march alongside the soldiers.

I knew everything about the Civil War. That's with "living historians" do, they live in history. I excelled in history classes through middle school and high school. I always had an easier time retaining historical facts over numbers or equations.

I never pursued history, psychology, sociology, or theology. All of these were interests and could have easily have joined me in holy matrimony for life. I was interested in money and status as a young college student. I didn't think there was any money to be made in the arts. I focused on sales. Everything in life was more fun if it mirrored "Boiler Room" or "Wall Street". I walked away from an unknown bride.

It never left me. I don't know if I ever finished a book in college. I rarely read books in the first 15 years following my graduation. I had a degree in communications and mass media but I went into customer service in the insurance industry. I needed a paycheck.

My religious life fluctuated up and down. I believed in God but I wasn't sure which one. I knew there was a creator but I wasn't really sure why I had been created. In my late 30's, pain and tragedy crept in through job loss and a difficult marriage. I needed a savior and Joel Osteen promised that one wasn't hard to find. Here was my Billy Graham moment. Prosperity was at my fingertips and I had found salvation. Jesus was my personal Lord and Savior.

And they will know that you are Christian…

As a Protestant, I learned to read and memorize scripture. I poured into the Bible everyday. I wrote down scripture, I studied sermons and I began to read. I would read a book here or there, but was never locked into anything beyond the subpar level I had gave in college. I was more interested in charismatic speakers and commanding presenters that could dazzle a room. I wanted the thrill to speak to a crowd. I wanted to share my testimony.

Once during a sermon on the early church, I felt a rush of adrenaline and excitement hit my veins. The early church. I had never read about the early Christians of the first and second century. I really didn't know what happened beyond Acts and Paul's epistles. The living historian and history buff in me came alive. I wanted to know more.

I started reading books. I heard a rumor that the Catholic Church (not yet Roman Catholic or Orthodox Church) was the first church. I began with books to disprove Catholicism. I had been a Catholic and left that dry life. I found Jesus as a Protestant, so I must be living in truth. The other ex-Catholics that I knew, left the church for the same reasons that my family left. Bandwagon! I wasn't alone, so surely I was still living in truth. I was a Calvinist. I started reading books about Calvininsm and the reformation. I realized that I was only a partial Calvinist because I didn't accept or believe in pre-destination. It didn't make sense to me. I continued to read more about modern theology. Why were there variances in belief systems within the Protestant churches? Who was correct? 

Here are the Protestant books that I have read. There are some that I started but couldn't complete. To be fair, I did complete most, and I gave it my best to stay engaged to most (in no particular order). I gave them all a fair shake:

Protestant Readings

• Chosen But Free - Norman L. Geisler (moderate Calvinist)

• Simply Jesus - N.T. Wright (Calvinist)

• On Holy Ground: Walking with Jesus as a Former Catholic - Chris Castaldo (My battle against Roman Catholicism)

• Debates and Sermons by John MacArthur

• The God Delusion - Richard Dawkins

• Why I Am Not A Christian - Bertrand Russell

• Tim Staples v Mike Gendron - Justification

Protestant Influencers

I followed:

• Billy Graham

• Joel Osteen

• John MacArthur

• Steven Furtick

• Frank Turek

• Lee Strobel

Catholic Readings

The catalyst book

• Rome Sweet Home - Dr. Scott Hahn

• The Lambs Supper - Dr. Scott Hahn

• Signs of Life - Dr. Scott Hahn

• The First Apology of Justin Martyr

• The Confessions - by Augustine

• A Father Who Keeps His Promises - Dr. Scott Hahn

• Diary of Saint Maria Faustina Kowalska

• Why We're Catholic - Trent Horn

• Catholicism - Bishop Robert Barron

• Shorter Summa - Thomas Aquinas

• The Seven Storey Mountain - Thomas Merton

• The Bible is a Catholic Book - Jimmy Akin

• Blue Collar Apologetics - John Martignoni

• Radio Replies

• The Four Witnesses - Rob Bennet

• Renewing Our Hope - Bishop Robert Barron

• And Now I See - Bishop Robert Barron

• Catholic Apologetics Today - Fr. William G Most

• From Wild Man to Wise Man - Richard Rohr

• The Case for Catholicism - Trent Horn

• Before the Dawn - Eugenio Zolli

• Crossing the Tiber - Stephen K Ray

• The Catechism of the Catholic Church

  Listening to:

• The Early Church Fathers & The Mystery of John 6:53 - Msgr. Frank Lane

• Scripture and The Early Church - Fr. Mitch Pacwa

• Convert from Judaism and Former Evangelical Discovers the Fullness - Rosalind Moss

• Conversion from Protestantism to Catholicism - Dr. Peter Kreeft

Catholic Influencers

I follow:

• Dr. Hahn

• Marcus Grodi

• Trent Horn

• Joe Heschmeyer

• Tim Staples

• Dr. Peter Kreeft

• GK Chesterton

The Church Fathers

The early Church Fathers wrote poetry that my eyes had never seen before. My Protestant ground was shaken. No one had ever told me about Clement of Rome, Justin Martyr, Irenaeus, Ignatius, or Augustine.

I remember the first passage of The Confessions that hit me square in the face and left me spinning in circles for days. It was such a revelation, that I posted it on Facebook. That's how big it was.

In a living creature such as this

everything is wonderful and worthy of praise,

but all these things are gifts from my God.

I did not endow myself with them,

but they are good, and together they make me what I am.

He who made me is good, and he is my good too;

rejoicing, I thank him for all those good gifts

which made me what I was, even as a boy.

In this lay my sin,

that not in him was I seeking pleasures, distinction and truth,

but in myself and the rest of his creatures,

and so I fell headlong into pains, confusions and errors.

But I give thanks to you, my sweetness, my honor, my confidence;

to you, my God, I give thanks for your gifts.

Do you preserve them for me.

So will you preserve me too,

and what you have given me will grow and reach perfection,

and I will be with you; because this too is your gift to me

---that I exist.

My heart swelled. What a beautiful passage. This was worthy of the Psalms. Who was this man? How was his life so similar to mine and how did he change everything for Christ?

I was hooked. The history buff in me wanted to learn more. How did people live in the first and second centuries? They must have had such passion. Yes, they did. I learned how passionate they were, but not in the way that I had expected.

I would go through streaks of content creation. I felt invigorated. I would find energy from unknown places. When I would step away and deal with adult things, finding time to be a Father, nurturing relationships, I would begin to question what it was that I was doing. That small whisper would creep into my mind:

"What qualifies you to do this?"

I didn't just hear the whisper, I would listen to it. I began to believe it. I would cycle through all of the same emotions that imposter syndrome gave me during my work day. I would nod, smile, and sit down at the same reception rate as my personal life. There must be someone else more qualified than me. This would last for days. Sometimes I would sit down at my keyboard and stare at it wondering what would come next.

What I learned from this experience. Every time that I pushed through it, I ended up with content on the other end. Every time I denied the inner voice that always talked me out of action, I felt the peace of spiritual submission. I began to recognize that feeling. It was greater than believing in myself, it was trusting God. It wasn't an instant switch. It was gradual and it continues today.

My Credentials

The only qualification that I need is the calling of God on my time and in my life. God will work it out. I trust in Him.

There must be someone out there that can benefit from my story. If only one person reads these words, I am doing what God has called me to do. I believe there are more than a few people that feel this calling and this peace.

So there we have it. My credentials. It doesn't matter how many books I read, how many hours I study, the number of degrees I earn, the number of talks I give, the number of books I write, or the number of blogs I share. When God calls you to do something, who are you to stand in His way? Imposter syndrome is not grounded in truth. I am qualified. I am intelligent. These are not my words and it is not for my glory that I give them.

The truth is that you and I are valuable to the creator of the universe. We are made perfectly in His image, and we are living in complete fulfillment when we are in communion with Him. There can be no greater qualification.