Suffering means you're on the right track

Liturgical readings for 10/24/22

If I could have started my day with prayer time and scripture… it may have turned out to be a better day. Do you want to know if you are on the right path to God’s calling? When everything falls apart and the weight of the world comes crashing down upon your shoulders.

Have you ever had one of those days, where everything seems to pile on top of you within a matter of hours? When you wince in pain and shake your fist to the sky shouting, “What’s next?”

Sometimes when you are close to a breakthrough. When you are stepping into faith and allowing yourself to submit to God’s will, the evil one will show up like a hungry lion, pounce, and try to rip you to shreds. I didn’t connect the dots until the end of the day.

So many times in my life, God has answered me in hindsight. I hear Him speak, or see His signs when I look back in reflection instead of impatiently waiting with the expectation that He will or should answer me at that moment.

The next time you have a horrible day, ask yourself how close you are to God’s heart.

The enemy of God hates it when you get too close. When the attacks feel personal, when you see patterns and feel numerous assaults in a short span of time, pray over it. Ask God how close you are to Him. The devil is very aware of how close you are.

My day started in a hurry. I typically spend time in the word and pray over the day’s liturgy. I was already behind. I raced out the door to drop the youngest at school and while I was pulling out of the parking lot of the drop-off, I received a call from the middle school where my next-in-line son had made his way to the nurse’s office.

“Can you pick him up?” the nurse said on the other end of the line.

Sure. Strep throat? Flu? Covid? I will be there in a minute. I bring him home, battle him for his phone, and send him back to bed. I glance at his phone… snaps flying in from everywhere like a social media fireworks show. I notice an odd message, I open it up to investigate. The lion pounces.

Porn fills the screen. Bad stuff. Kids. Pictures saved into chat. I take screenshots. He’s sick so I hold off on the conversation. I muzzle my rage and sadness. I message my ex-wife to co-parent and console, and she shrugs it away. I speak calmly and with concern.

“It can’t be that bad. This is normal teenage behavior.” she snaps back.

I’m done. I leave it for now—the immediate reminders of why we are divorced come roaring back. I begin to work. I glance at my calendar. I am running late for an appointment. I head to the church for a meeting with my RCIA leader. This is a good meeting that I have been looking forward to, and… I almost miss it. I had lost track of the time and the meeting because my brain was still lagging from the morning commotion. I can’t imagine someone wanting me to miss this appointment. The hungry lion again.

The meeting is uplifting. We pray. I feel a calling. The message is good. I contemplate holy orders. The sacraments. I think about ways that I can help the church, become invested, and get involved… my phone buzzes.

I glance at the message in the queue and notice an alarming text from my manager. My real job just took a nose dive. Bad news. The lion pounces. My employment is in danger and I have 6 weeks to figure things out. Again, I feel teeth sink into my flesh. I lose the fuzzy feeling of purpose and head back to my office to sort things out. The real world tells me I won’t survive and that I can do nothing else.

Later in the day, I calmly call my ex-wife to discuss our parental message to our teenage son regarding pornography. The lion tears away at my flesh again, twisting and thrashing about. My ex-wife defends the action. I am shocked. She accuses me of causing the problem. She brings back old sin and throws it into my face. I have no idea where the thoughts and words that are used against me over the phone came from. At the time, it felt random and careless. As I hung over the phone, I realize how strategic and pointed it was.

This was not random. It was the kill shot from the lion. It worked. It was a known trigger that I thought I had moved on from, but it came roaring back quickly. She said a few short words and I was dazed from the blow.

“Where did that come from?” I thought. It was immediate and devastating. It was personal and filled with venom.

I lost my temper. I hung up. I wanted wrath and judgment. A small whisper said, “Forgive” and “Leave it” but my mind fought back. My pride said, “Enough”. I fired daggers back through text. How dare she? Someday you will pay in torment. I will take pleasure in knowing that you will see justice for all of your actions someday.

The reality is that if I was taking joy in her pain and eternal damnation, I was probably headed to the same place. How was I any different? This was the mother to my son. How horrible was I to wish ill will?

I was broken today. I had lost. I had broken down in sin. I knowingly gave in to it. I covered myself in the evil that she hurled against me, the accuser knew my pain. The total assault had worked. It was effective until suddenly late in the day, it wasn’t anymore.

As evening rolled around, I knew that I would need to pray. I wanted to repent. I wanted forgiveness. As I lay in bed with my youngest, he said his prayers and I followed along. As we prayed the Lord’s prayer, I thought, “I wonder if the readings that I skipped today will have anything to do with what I experienced?” This spiritual attack.

The readings…

Ephesians 4: 32–5:8

“and be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ.” — God puts me in check. I would say He is speaking to me at this moment.

“Let no one deceive you with empty arguments, for because of these things the wrath of God is coming upon the disobedient. So do not be associated with them. For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light.”

Checkmate Lord. You know me.

We jump to the Gospel. In Luke 13: 10–17, we see Jesus cure a crippled woman on the Sabbath. Today, I find myself the Pharisee. I am conforming to the letter of the law, and the expectations of the world. God is my God of miracles on the good days, but when I have a day full of trials, instead of turning to God, I rely on my own understanding and pass judgment on my failures. How many times have I seen Jesus perform miracles in my life and the people around me, yet here I was in a time of need and did not carry those same expectations? I was crying out to God,

“Not today Father, I have my own problems to deal with first. You can’t fix the problems I have created.”

I should have cried out for God.

“Every day Lord, make me your servant. See me in my time of need and in your compassion, lay hands on me, and heal me. I need only be in your presence. Have mercy on me, a sinner.”

My son fell asleep while saying his prayers. What a peaceful embrace. To speak with the Father and be lulled into sleep. Sign me up.